This page was last updated: March 28, 2011
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
That the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange? When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked
around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, theyConcluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.If ourpersonnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
The waiter's fly.? Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the
Same string hanging from their flies.
So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you
Tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so Observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out thatwe can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip
of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restrooby 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but
I use the spoon."
The Spoon
Subject: Want Coffee
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Well Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says .
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee,
shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
TRADITIONAL VERSION:The ant works hard in the witherinheat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer! The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhooMORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008
The Grasshopper & The Ant
Sticky First Date
==================
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was
absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the
middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she
did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a
point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside
the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started.
In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks
were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly
apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply
that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some
assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose
themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with
a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her
chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first
place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her
free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip
his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in
laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that
should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was
embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment...
"This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out?
He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Hungry? Go to Scaloppines Italian Restaurant . You will be glad you did!
Proprietor Thehouseofruthannecassa
A Desperate Blond.
>A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her
>mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
>"I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my
>mother". The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he
>asked. "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. "Well then, just follow
>me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she
>was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said.
>She did. He then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my
>zipper". She did. "Now go ahead ... Take it out...." he said. She reached
>in and grabbed it with both hands then paused. The man closed his eyes and
>whispered "Well............ Go ahead". The blonde slowly brought her mouth
>closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively
>said...........
>
> "Hello. Mom can you hear me ?
>
>
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said,"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said... "I rang the doorbell didn't I?
" Golf Course! A couple made a deal that whoever died first would try to come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After dying at a ripe old age, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, he made contact:"Mary . . Mary . .""Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed.""What's it like?" Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. Then I sunbathe and have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then sex until late at night. The next day it starts again". "Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."
Italian Conversation on a Bus A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I'mma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.
" WARNING - LOCK YOUR DOORS!!
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home! A Pennsylvania man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his ASS Police suspect a cereal killer.
Testing your Vocabulary Warning - Please DO NOT look at the bottom of the page before you answer ALL the questions
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
PLEASE SEE THE ANSWER ANSWERS: 1. (talk) 2. (legs) 3. (a twenty dollar bill) 4. (firetruck) 5. (fork) 6. (Almond Joy candy bar) 7. (last name) .
Your gon'a love this one!
Like a movie script with. Burt Lancaster and Kirt Douglass
WHO IS JACK SCHITT???
The lineag finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt.
The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood
subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ.
You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
The Rabbit
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately, the little rabbit
jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A redheaded woman driving down the highway sees the
man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks him what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The redhead says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and
demands, What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label.
It says,
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave.
Old Man Sex:
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These tow are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"
"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"
Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."
"A witch, why the hell would you say that?"
"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."
-
The 3 Old Dudes
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, just for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks her, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?" She looks into his eyes and says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"
Second joke of the day (Thanks Brett):
>Leroy goes to a revival and listens to the preacher.
>
>After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come
>forward to the front at the altar.
>
>Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what
>do you want me to pray about for you.'
>
>Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'
>
>The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand
>on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays.
>
>After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks
>Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'
>
>Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't till next Wednesday!"
Worried Mother
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned a bout his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father
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.gif){kind=small}
A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is willing to marry a man
>only if he is still a virgin.
>
>After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a
>personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his
>entire life in the Australian outback. Naturally, since I need to build up to a
>punchline here, they end up getting married.
>
>On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the
>festivities.
>
>When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in
>the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in
>one corner.
>
>"What happened?" she asks.
>
>"I've never been with a woman," he says.
>
>"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can
>get."
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Click here to add text.
Gotta start somewhere!!
A Smart Blonde? You gotta read this!
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep
One winter morning a husband and wife in Northern Wisconsin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blonds exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time, dear."
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Thank you for stopping by.
New jokes will be added asai-get them.
Website by Thehouseofruthanne
THE PET ROOSTER
An Old Cumberland County Farmer went to The Paramount to see a movie.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER.
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK
GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE
THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS
OVERALLS.. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED
THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE
MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM
ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!
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MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are SO on my shit list
"Remember a happy heart is only a smile away"
by Thehouseofruthanne
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Eleanor Roosevelt
Hmmm, ;)
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
Mark Twain
LOL !
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
George Burns
Yup !
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
but use the door !
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
HA !
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
me 2 !
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
drink up !
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
i miss him ! he's one of my Fav's
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
i'm begining to really understand this one ! Thanks Bob ! ;)
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress..
- Will Rogers
hear ! hear ! AMEN !
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
I hear that !
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
Oh Yeah ! Ya got that right Phyllis !
Good for a laugh by Famous People
The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke.."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
American Medical Association
researchers have found that
Patients needing
blood transfusions
may benefit from receiving
chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make
the men more cocky,
and the women all lay better.
Just thought
you'd like to know...
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THE PET ROOSTER
An Old Cumberland County Farmer went to The Paramount to see a movie.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER.
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK
GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE
THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS
OVERALLS.. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED
THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE
MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM
ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,
"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!
-
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Jokes to knock your socks off.
Why did the man cross the street?
Ans: He didn't see the mail box.
Did you hear about the the new car feature?
Ans: It fits over his mouth.
Rub-a-dub-dub 3 men in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no matches. How did they light the cigarettes?
Ans: A cigarette was thrown over board making the boat a cigarette lighter. hahahahah
"The Knob"
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course the woman wanted "The Knob".
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened "The Knob" and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn "The Knob" many times and always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes, and "the Knob" won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said.
"Those aren't bags under your eyes, those are your boobs."
She said "Well I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee"
"Golfing with Harry"
Fred got home from Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said.
"Then Harry had a heart attack and die on the 10th tee".
"Oh, that's awful!"
"Your not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball drag Harry.
How does a man show that
he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So that men can remember them.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know;it has never happened.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Man says to God: "Why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says:
"So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God says:
"So she would love you."
More Workings of a man's brain. Joke links
http://www.goofydave.com/man_jokes.htm
http://www.raskys.com/man.html
http://www.ajokesite.com/joke/j1104j15.html
http://www.avolites.org.uk/jokes/wash.htm
http://my.webmd.com/content/Article/29/1728_65169.htm?printing=true
http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/nasa_peek_041108.html
Fact
The orchid is named after the male genitalia. its botanical family name, Orchidaceous, means "Testicles" in Greek and may come from an early notion that the orchid possessed aphrodisiac qualities.
Who's smarter?
1. A person who has a maid,a cook, a nanny, a chauffeur etc....
OR!
2. A person who has the intelligence to do it all by himself?
Playing Pirate:
A proud dad observed his young son attempting piratical skills.
"Where's your Buccaneer's?" He Asked.
The boy pondered for a moment, then said.
"Under-Me-Hat"
Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
The Moles have it!
3Moles are walking down the road. One Mole lagged behind.
Mole#1. I smell pizza!
Mole#2. I smell cake
Mole#3 I smell Moll-asses
Brain Teasers:
If you are in a dark room with a candle, a wood stove, and a gas lamp.
You only have one match .
What do you light first?
Answer: Bottom of page.
Used Car Lot
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
Brain Teaser Answer:
The Match.
How To Wash A Man's Brain
Laura and Caroline Quinner favorite Recipes
What color is your Aura?
Thehouseofruthanne (C)
JOkes
How To Wash A Man's Brain
THE NEVER ENDING SOAP OPERA OF MARGARET & BERT
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing
Some on sale, he bought them and wore them home..
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into
The kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
Different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
Again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."
